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Guest Column
Hot off the press!

Amy Eason is a humor columnist (Another Day in Paradise) and freelance writer. After noticing that she felt less inclined to go on a shooting rampage when she tried to inject humor into frustrating situations, she successfully avoids future acts of violence by writing about the aggravations of everyday life.  In addition to her weekly syndicated column and various freelance projects, she is currently working on her first book. It is scheduled for completion in 2004. She is a member of the Georgia Writer's Association, the National Association of Women Writers, and the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.  Ms. Eason is also an entertaining and engaging speaker who conveys a message about finding humor and wisdom in the details of everyday life. She resides deep in the woods near McDonough, Georgia along with her husband, three children, two stepchildren and too many pets to count.

RELEASED SEPTEMBER 1, 2003

Telemarketing Woes

When I was a teenager I loved talking on the phone. When it rang, I raced from wherever I was to grab the receiver off the wall phone in the kitchen, knocking down or jumping over any furniture, persons or pets that got in my way. I don’t do that anymore. Just the thought of me trying to run through the house and leap over the couch or a child or the dog is humiliating and painful. Even more painful is that the caller is probably someone trying to sell me something.

“Hello, may I speak to Mr. or Mrs. Easton please?”

“This is Mrs. EASON.”

“Oh, I’m sorry Mrs. Eason. How are you today?”

“Well that depends on what you’re going to try to sell me.”

Sometimes it works to tell them that you’re right in the middle of something else, like on the other line long distance, eating dinner, or asleep. Sometimes it doesn’t.

“Mrs. Easton, we’ll have someone in your neighborhood tomorrow and we’d like to set up an appointment with you to discuss replacing your old drafty windows with new triple pane insulated windows.”

“I can’t really talk right now, the house is on fire and I need to get the kids and the pets out.”

“Oh I see. I won’t keep you much longer then. How would six o’clock tomorrow evening be? I should also point out that if you’d like to give me the names of some of your neighbors, we’ll give you ten cents off of your order for each neighbor that—”

One that I’ve been getting a lot lately is for watching TV. I don’t know if it’s satellite or direct or digital, I don’t really know the difference and don’t really care. I just know that they’re all expensive and I make sure that they know it too.

“Hi! This is Eugene with You Can’t Afford Us TV, and I’d like to talk to you about a special offer we’re having right now. Are you the person responsible for choosing the cable provider for your home?”

“I write the check.”

“I see! Well then, what would you say if I told you that you could have our service in your home for only $89.99 a month and no installation charge?”

“I’d say that I remember when TV was free and that I already pay $45.00 a month for cable, which is utterly ridiculous since I don’t even get to hold the remote. Do you realize I pay more to watch TV than I do for the entire family to have water to drink, bath in, and wash our clothes in for the month? Does that strike you as odd?”

Life insurance is another one that I find odd. Does anyone really decide that they need another life insurance policy just because some stranger calls and offers them one? I really wonder if these companies ever actually make a sale. And if they do, don’t they wonder?

“Mrs. Eason, we have a special low introductory offer today. Your premiums would be just $2.50 a month for a three million dollar policy. Would you like to take out an accidental death policy on yourself?”

“No, but go ahead and write a couple up for my husband and my kids. Just in case. Make them each for about five million.” I don’t see anything suspicious about that. Do you?

What really irks me is the telemarketer that just won’t give up. You know the ones I’m talking about; they just keep on asking questions when it should be obvious that this sale isn’t going to happen.

“Mrs. Easton, I’m calling today to tell you how you can save money and pay off all of your bills just by refinancing your home.”

“We’ve already refinanced. I’m not interested.”

“But is your interest rate below six percent?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.” Pause. “Well what’s your term?”

“Fifteen years.”

“Oh.” Another pause. “Well do you have credit card debt?”

“No. Now as much as I’d love to continue our conversation about my personal finances, I really must be going. The house is on fire and I’m on the other line having a rather stimulating conversation about thermal pane windows.”

“But Mrs. Easton, could I interest you in a life insurance pol--”

(Note from Amy – if you haven’t already signed up to have your phone placed on the National Do Not Call list, do so now by going to www.donotcall.gov and stop the telemarketing assault!)

Copyright © 2003 Amy Eason

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